Unfriending

With all this spare time on my hands, I've been cleaning out my life.  Ridding all the toxins, dirt, dust, grime from it.  This includes cleaning my closet, the basement, the garage, my car trunk, my hair tools drawer (that was an effing feat), and most importantly my social media audiences.

Over the past nine years I have accumulated many "friends"- yet it's becoming increasingly evident that I have maybe five, on a good day - like...my birthday.  So how is it that 400+ people care about my life?  Or better yet, have I ever really cared that much about theirs?

I decided to clear the acquaintance clutter and Unfriend some people on Facebook (and unfollow a few on Instagram).  But it was much harder than I thought.  You see, when your unemployed your mind can't help but think "Shit, they have a good job - what if I need a referral?" or "She still owes me from that thing with the guy in that place - bitch better not forget it either!"

To help, I devised a fool proof categorization process that you too can use to finally rid of your odd accumulation of friendship trysts.

KEEP:

1. Family - this includes your weird cousin Josh who used to eat his boogers.  Because nothing is weirder than a baptism where little Joshy causes a scene on why he didn't get the invite to your backyard BBQ.
2. BFFs -  as in the people that you share cute puppy videos with or tag in crazy girlfriend Vine vids.  Or better yet, are the ones Facebook alerts you with when you have a Friendaversary.  Nothing says love like a 4 year friend connection.
3. Current Co-workers - even if you hate them.  They've added you, you added them back.  No time to be petty about it.  If nothing else, change your post settings so that they don't like any of your recent posts only to use it as content for a lunch time conversation starter. 
4. Your crushes from elementary and high school - It's good for them to know how good you're looking these days.  Also equally important for you to note who they're dating, if they're losing their hair, if they gained weight, or knocked somebody up.  These prompts can really put a pep in your step on an otherwise grim Monday.
5. Frenemies from elementary and high school - The Regina George of my high school had a real fall from grace after graduation. While her status posts are annoying to see in my timeline, it's satisfying to see that her mom was the only to Like that she was YYZ ---> LAX'ing.

REMOVE:

1. Deactivated accounts - the staggering number of Facebook avatar icons was somewhat of a blessing in disguise.  Whether they had deactivated their accounts or blocked me - I was able to say toodles to a ton of people without feeling bad.
2. Your exes - They should be treated more like "Y's" as in Why would I do that?  Although, had I deleted my elementary school ex three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to creep him incessantly until I finally mustered up the courage to ask him out.  
3. Your exes family - their blood runs thicker than your Vitamin Water sweetie, they've gotta go.
4. Anyone with purposefully misspelled names - they're obvious morons and you'll be severely judged by future employers if you're deemed Close Friends with "Papi Chu-Lowe"
5. Anyone who posts regularly about socio-economic, religious and/or political issues - it's exhausting and since you're likely NOT a foreign correspondent for CNN - you can get your news elsewhere.
6. Anyone who posts wannabe inspirational quotes - Double unfriend if it's accompanied by a pic of them in a bikini doing a Peace sign.  I'm sure the Dalai Lama would be so impressed by your preaching in a Vic Secret outfit.
7. Anyone who invites you to play Candy Crush on the daily - tell them to shove their requests up Mr. Toffee's ass.
8. Your group mates from college - I had three young chaps that I only ever messaged when I needed notes from classes I slept through due to a Malibu-induced hangover.  Thanks boys for helping me score an 83% in Bio!

IT'S REALLY YOUR CALL:

1. Your former co-workers - I love all of mine and I also never left a job on terribly bad terms.
2. An ex boy/girl toy - Would you EVER consider shamelessly using them for their body again? 
3. A really annoying superior that doesn't really know their way around a hashtag - but how extensive is their network?
4. Drunken Party Friend Adds - these are only worthy should these people have hookups to exclusive events.  But good on you for being coherent enough to search them up while mildly intoxicated!

Happy unfriending m'loves!